What is Forgiveness and Why Should You Care? (Part 1)
Webster’s New World Dictionary definition of the word forgive is “to
give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry
with; pardon.” Most spouses, at some time or another, struggle with the
issue of forgiveness as incidents happen in the marriage.
There are very legitimate reasons for feeling hurt and wronged, such as
a partner who is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unsupportive, or
unfaithful. But if you remain stuck in resentment, anger, bitterness,
or vengeance, you will be unable to move on with your life in a healthy
way. Holding grudges and hanging on to negative feelings reduces your
capacity to enjoy life and to have maximum energy in the present moment.
Lewis B. Smedes, in The Art of Forgiving, makes the following points about what forgiveness is and what it is not:
Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.
Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did.
Forgiveness is not about reunion. Being reconciled to another person as a human being and embracing him/her as a best friend are two different things.
Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it.
So when should you forgive? “We forgive,” shares Smedes, “when we feel a strong wish to be free from the pain that glues us to a bruised moment of the past.
We forgive when we want to overcome the resentment that separates us from the person who wounded us. We forgive when we feel God’s Spirit nudging us with an impulse to pull ourselves out of the sludge of our disabling resentment. We forgive when we are ready to move toward a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo.”
About the Author: Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can sign up for a free weekly marriage advice newsletter. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to spouses who want to overcome marriage problems and create a rewarding, loving marriage.