Saying "No" When It's Not that Simple
As a psychologist and life coach, I often find myself discussing the
importance of saying "no" with busy, stressed out professionals.
Everyone likes the idea of saying "no" more often, at least in theory.
But, when it comes to actually doing it, I hear a lot of "yes, buts."
In other words, "yes, I could say no to that, but then who would do
it?" or "yes, I could say no to that, but then my boss would be upset
with me and I might not get a promotion." Why is it so hard to say "no"
to others?
Most of us experiencing success in our careers have learned one lesson
really well: if you want to advance, you have to be willing to do the
work. Translation, say "yes" to opportunities that come your way
because you never know where it will lead. Well, look where that has
led you. . . right to reading this article, looking for a solution to
managing your busy life!
The truth is, we are much better at saying "yes" than we are at saying
"no." Saying "yes" is easy, even if it means more stress and
frustration down the road. When you say "yes," the other person smiles,
thanks you, and you are left feeling as though you have pleased
someone. There’s a lot of emotional payoff in that. Saying "no" is not
immediately gratifying to us. Although rationally we know that saying
"no" will mean we will feel less stressed in the future, when we say
"no," we may feel guilty about disappointing the person who has made a
request of us. Or, we may fear the consequences of saying "no." What’s
so good about that? Not much. That’s why simply telling yourself to say
"no" more often is not a very effective means of managing your busy
life and career.
So, what’s the alternative? Contemplate saying "yes" with awareness of
what the "no" is in every "yes." For every task or project we agree to
do, we are saying "no" to something else. If I agree to take emergency
on-call tonight at work, I am saying "yes" to being a team player and
helping out in a pinch. But, chances are I will get called to handle an
emergency and I am saying "no" to going to the gym after work, time
with my husband, an uninterrupted dinner, and a good night’s sleep. I
also am saying "no" to being alert and productive tomorrow at work. I
will make it through the next day, but I won’t be as effective as I
could be with my clients. And, I won’t have much energy for my friends
or family the next evening after work. Having awareness of what is
really at stake when I say "yes" makes it much easier to make
selective, thoughtful decisions to say "no."
Try this over the coming week: Each time you are presented with a new opportunity, project, or task, ask yourself, "what am I saying 'no' to by saying 'yes' in this situation?" Write this question on a sticky note and put it where you will see it often. You will be surprised at how much more time you have for what is important to you!
Being fully aware of our choices allows us to make choices congruent with our goals, values, and life purpose. This brings us closer to a sense of balance.
About the Author: In addition her work as a coach, Sabrina also works as a Psychologist and Clinical Supervisor at a community mental health center. You can visit her website at www.tapthepotential.com. A complimentary coaching session is available for new clients.