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twofish

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Forgiveness
Sep 30^th, 2008, 12:08am

I am trying to forgive my mother and sister from the rejection and continued negativity that I receive.
I don't like rehashing past experiences. I've learned from my mistakes, and hearing about them every week on the phone is making me physically sick. Is there any one out there who has had to cut off relationships of family members because these toxic situations are too much to bear.
I'd appreciate your thoughts.

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Taffy9

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Re: Forgiveness
Reply #1 - Oct 3^rd, 2008, 9:48am

After lots of therapy to learn how to deal with my verbally abusive mother i learned one thing. It was like a tug a war between us. My therapist told me to drop the rope. First i had to limit my contact with her. I have two young children, so that was hard. When she called me and started to belittle me, i would say i have to go. I told myself that i would not let her do to my children what she did to me. So if she wanted to see my kids, the game had to change. Our interactions slowly changed and it has been so much better.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. First i had to forgive myself. I did what i thought was best at the time. Now i know better. Slowly i started to see that my mother did the best she could. Looking back, she needed therapy too, but never got it. She passed on her issues to me. But it stops here. With the help of therapy, meds, and support of my husband and friends, i can now say that i forgive my mother.

I would forgive my mother many times a day until it stuck. It was hard. Very hard.

When i was ready, i made my own forgiveness ceremony. I put all of my family and friends names on cards, including my own. I went outside on my own and made a small fire. As i pulled out a card, i would forgive out loud that person. Then i would put the card in the fire. No one knew i did it, but many people commented in the difference in me. Every few months i do the "fire cleanse" so i don't carry it around with me.

Another great tehnique is to write that person a letter that they will never get and say it all. Get everything out and you will feel better.

Most of all, know that you are not alone.

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twofish

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Re: Forgiveness
Reply #2 - Oct 5^th, 2008, 7:05am

Dear Taffy9,
Thank you so much for replying.
I hope that someday soon I will be able to afford some therapy. Everyone says it helps.
I want to purchase a book I heard about called, "How to talk to a Narcissist".....don't know if that will help, but I too have stopped calling my mother on weekends. I had been working on forgiveness and letting go......just how many times can you wish for normal relationships, and you just get so disappointed again and again.
I have written letters and done the fire ceremony.
I am just learning to love and depend on myself. This to me is the answer,but it's something new. I practice more and more patience and love for myself. It's a daily routine that has to last a lifetime.
Thanks again.
Peace and Love,
Twofish

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lynnie

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Re: Forgiveness
Reply #3 - Jul 12^th, 2009, 10:51pm

Hi,

You're not alone, so many people have problems with their own family.

Me, I've stopped worrying about 2 of my brothers and one of their wives. They are hypocrites. So, so very far from perfect themselves, yet I just don't measure up to them. You know what? I'm GLAD that I don't. I would hate to be like them.

So instead of worrying about all the rubbish they dish out, I just pretend they no longer exist. As far as I'm concerned I now have 1 brother, not 3. Best decision I ever made.

Lyn.

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Bella

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Re: Forgiveness
Reply #4 - Jul 13^th, 2009, 6:58am

No family is perfect, and all families have some form of dysfunctional relationships in them. Learn to walk away, and don’t let family members “issues” become confrontational calmly walk away.

Forgiveness, don’t self persecute yourself move forward find your inner peace, Transform frustration into Motivation. Keep in mine nobody perfect.

Take One Day at a time, visit one family member at a time.
Spend Holidays with friends to avoid emotional chaos.

Chin up celebrate you're alive!

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ginnymay

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Therefore encourage one
another. . .I Thess.5:11

Posts: 299

Re: Forgiveness
Reply #5 - Jul 15^th, 2009, 12:46pm

I agree with Bella & Lynnie-

If you are blessed with a family that shows they care, it is wonderful. If you are not, you can find ways to be polite but distant enough to protect you & yours. Some people like to hold onto their hurt so much, & make sure they use it against all others as well. I don't think you need to keep exposing yourself to hurt just because someone is 'family'. Nurture the friendships that add to your life.

ginnymay

ps-good to hear from you again, lynnie

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just bee

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Re: Forgiveness
Reply #6 - Aug 12^th, 2009, 4:16am

Blessing Twofish,

I loved all the advice you were given. There sure is a lot of "been there, done that" ladies out there. Even I need to add myself to the list, "I survived a dysfunctional mother.

I didn't take counselling or seek therapy. I used logic. I couldn’t change my mother or what's happening, but realized I did have the power and courage to change myself. And it took time! I wish I would have heard about Taffy9’s Forgiveness Ceremony, it would have so helped.

I have released myself of “her” dysfunctional baggage. I no longer listen to her rants and raves about whatever. No longer do her knives and barbs catch me. I broke the dysfunctional bond, and replaced it with courage.

My advice, do whatever works for you. But do move on! Move past the dysfunction.

just because

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ginnymay

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Therefore encourage one
another. . .I Thess.5:11

Posts: 299

Re: Forgiveness
Reply #7 - Aug 15^th, 2009, 5:48am

Dear 'been there' ladies,

Wow, sometimes I am amazed that any of us have made it to adulthood-some family members (& friends) try so hard to pull you down. I often wonder what it is about human nature that we so like the negative. We like to see someone have troubles, & we like to talk & retalk about it-in news, at work, at home, at school. Imagine what a change the world could make if we spent as much time congratulating people & wishing them well as we do telling them what they did wrong! I am trying to change my attitude & presence where I am, but I find myself still getting caught in the negative vortex sometimes!

I so much agree with those of you who have had the courage to not engage in conversation with family that are determined to be rude and angry with you. Some people are so used to getting their way by bullying that don't know any other way to be with people. It is good not to play the game with them-no big fireworks, just, "I'm not going to discuss this again" and move on. Life is too precious & short to let those folks suck the joy out of your day for you.

Here's to strength for your day,
ginnymay

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