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Weekly
Article
My Search for Happiness in the First Year of Sobriety |
DAY 1: HOUR BY HOUR Happiness in sobriety? Could this really
be possible? Yes, I know I need to quit drinking if I want to continue
to live. Survival during sobriety maybe, but happiness seems almost out
of the question. I do feel a little glimmer of hope when I see
other sober women who seem happy. Could I get there too? I won’t think
about that now. First I must somehow find a way to quit drinking. I
will try to get through today without a drink. I will survive this day
hour by hour. I know that I have to begin to really try. DAY 3: PROUD BUT SCARED It’s
been three days without a drink! I feel proud of myself but I’m also
scared to death that I won’t be able to maintain this. Maybe if I
accept the fear but don’t let it take over, I can continue. The women
in my group have given me praise for what I have accomplished. That
feels good. I don’t want to let them and myself down. Just one more
day, I can do it! I am feeling uneasy about myself. Thoughts have
been coming to mind about what I don’t like in my life, oh, what I
wouldn’t give to have a drink to numb my brain. How can I stay sober
and deal with all these problems in my life too? I feel angry, it’s not
fair! I also feel angry at myself for letting my life get so out of
control. Guilt will just get me drinking again so I can't go there. I
need to try to think positive and just know that not drinking is enough
for now. 3 WEEKS: MORE IN CONTROL It’s been three weeks! I
heard once that to establish a new pattern, it takes 21 days. It’s true
that I feel a little more in control now. My need to drink seems
to occur more with mental triggers than with a physical need. When I
feel sad or lonely or angry, it’s the worst. Staying with my real
feelings and honoring them is tough. My group keeps telling me
that getting to know myself will help me stay sober. Then why do I feel
all this guilt about what I seem to need or desire. Will I have to
change all the relationships in my life? Will they stick with me when
they get to know the real me? It’s too scary to think about if they are
unwilling to grow and change with me. 3 MONTHS: COULD THIS BE PEACE? It’s
been three months with no alcohol. When I was walking on the beach
today, I felt a moment of peace and acceptance with myself. Could this
be happiness? I noticed that as soon as I tried to soak it in, I felt a
desire to drink again. Why do I want to sabotage myself? Is it because
I don’t think I deserve to be happy? 1 YEAR: ACCEPTANCE It’s
been over a year now. My life used to be filled with busy activities,
always finding a way to distract from what I really felt. Drugs and
alcohol also served this purpose. Now my work is to accept my feelings,
sit with them daily during meditation, and try to live in the moment as
much as possible. I used to think happiness was something big,
like exhilaration or joy, when I felt ecstatic! Yes, that is happiness,
but those moments come rarely. Jean Kirkpatrick, Ph.D., founder of the
Women for Sobriety Program, was right when she said, "happiness is
created, not waited for." It takes practice to feel happiness or at
least peace. THE BIGGER PICTURE Someone once told me that
if I had the key to happiness, I would be happy while doing the dishes.
Yeah, right! The truth is that life is often filled with many small,
repetitive tasks. Happiness comes during those moments when I know that
I am doing the right task, and that only occurs when I know what my
bigger picture is. My more difficult and long-term goals include
keeping my Women for Sobriety group going, building my business, and
learning art and dance. When I know that I am working steadily towards
those goals, I can enjoy the beautiful view of nature I see outside my
kitchen window and feel happiness while doing the dishes! APPRECIATION I
need to work on developing awareness and appreciation of the small
moments throughout the day that provide the opportunity for me to feel
happy: a beautiful blue bird flying in front of my window while I type
this, my daughter singing in the other room, me writing this on New
Year’s Day because I had a desire to. I wish for you the strength to look inward and find your own road to happiness.
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