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Sept 2004 Dear Jane, Don't know if you will receive this, but I hope so, as I want you to know how very much the daily meditations mean to me! I'm a 34 year old recovering alcoholic with a little over 2 years sobriety. I am a mother of one 12 year old boy and am soon to be divorced! Without the Daily Meditations, it would have taken me much longer to reach for my dreams of a 'good life' and get out of a very unhealthy marriage, and for that I wanted to thank you! Love and Light, Sue's very inspirational story.... I was introduced to AA when I was 17 through a court order and after my first DUI, which almost killed me and my best friend. But I believe I was alcoholic long before that, as my first drink was before my mom died and I was only 5 then. I sipped way too much of her sloe gin drink and I loved the taste and kept sneaking when she wasn't looking. But even at 5, I didn't have the shut-off that normal drinkers have, I loved the taste and the effect. So needless to say, when I hit high-school and parties, I knew I should stay away from the booze, but didn't....peer pressure or addiction, who knows. I was 17 when I graduated and left home only because I wanted to be out on my own where no one could control me or talk good sense to me. So college was a flop because partying took precedence. Plus, I worked two jobs to support myself and my drinking. Who had time for studies in between? When I turned 22,(barely) I found myself pregnant and 6 months after my son was born, I got my 2nd DUI. This time I was court ordered to Outpatient Treatment and that involved work along with being a single parent and working 70+ hrs. a week. But....I tried to 'get' the program this time, not for my sake, but for my child's! Once again, I couldn't make it even two weeks without a drink, and back then wasn't ready to be honest about it,. which drove me further into 'self hate' and in turn also to drug addiction. 6 months of the heavy (pot,crack,cocaine,meth,acid) and I'd had enough. I packed it up, along with my son and moved back home. A place I swore I'd never return to but didn't have a choice if I wanted to get away from the drugs and raise my son. I detoxed all by myself in my rented home for maybe 4-5 days and everyone just thought I had the flu. Put myself back together and got 2 jobs to support my son and myself. I was on welfare for one month and that was enough for me. I don't like receiving (I should say didn't) any kind of help or form of pity! Anyway to shorten things up a bit, without the drugs to help me escape....from what?....myself and my hatred of myself because of my messed up life...I went back to the booze, met a guy and within 6 months got married. I knew it didn't feel right, but nothing did. I had no idea what 'right' meant! I grew up in major dysfunction...dad was on wife #4 when I was 14 and his 3rd was an addict and drinker as well as an abuser, which my sister and I were removed from the home for....another long story! Anyway 24 years old, alcoholic,married and one child age 2.....and I knew life was not supposed to be like this but couldn't see a way out so I just kept on drinking. My hubby is or was a drinker too. But he didn't get the way I got most of the time. The last five years of my alcoholism (active, I should say) I was a 6 days a week nightly black out drinker! My hubby was also raised in a mess and was way too controlling...what I wore, if I wore make-up, where I went, and for the first 5 years we were married, I couldn't even go to the grocery store by myself. Therefore, I couldn't have a carrier or a normal job, he didn't want me to have a job at all. But money is tight in a rural community and we needed for me to work, so it was his idea that I baby-sit. Great, an alcoholic Child Care Provider! He started to drive truck maybe 6 years ago, and my alcoholism just got worse. Yes, I did have much more freedom, I just didn't know what to do with it. And by then I didn't do anything without a drink in me. Finally 3 and 1/2 years ago, I woke up one morning, hubby in jail for pounding on me (again) and I knew I couldn't go on like this. I drank the last couple of years with the full intentions of 'never waking up'! And I couldn't do that right either! I was tired of promising my son that I would stop, I was tired of being afraid I would loose my job as a child care provider, and I was tired of trying to kill myself, so I went back to the place in my mind where a seed was planted when I was 17....I knew I needed AA. I struggled for the first year and a half this time but didn't give up, instead I surrendered. I went to work....listening to the old-timers in the program, getting on my knees and asking and thanking God, got a hard-ass sponsor, and was honest for the first time in my life about everything. I believed that I would go on the rest of my life craving alcohol, but once I said.....I can't....HE said....I will...!!! And by God's grace along with the honest desire to stop living (or dying) the way I was, it happened for me. The last struggle with booze was approx. 3 months after my last slip, I had it (vodka) bought and drank in my mind and was on a mission when it hit me that I needed a meeting. At that meeting, which happened to be the home of my very first ever meeting when I was 17, I saw a miserable mess of a woman who had "gone out" for 3 years and came back with nothing....all to start over....and I didn't want to be her. So I didn't buy the Vodka, instead I bought a morning meditation book (one of 8 now) and started working the program. Slowly I've made 4 meetings a week my favorite, do morning meditations, speak at a treatment center on a panel (just giving my story) do service work, attend church on a regular basis as well as teach Sunday School, and I'm still a licensed Child Care Provider! Only now soon to be divorced after 10 years!!! Best part is, when I started to really work the program and went to a meeting instead of buying a bottle, the craving was removed from me. I no longer have the desire to drink or take any mind altering chemicals.
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